Why Planning Your Own Funeral Is a Gift

Why Planning Your Own Funeral Is a Gift

Thinking about the end of your own life is never easy. I mean, we're all going to live to a ripe old age and pass away peacefully in our sleep, aren't we?

Well, that's the dream for most of us. And because it's the version of the future we'd all like to believe in, our brains aren't necessarily wired to consider that our death might be unexpected or sudden. We don't like to imagine that we—or the people we love—might not have time to prepare, or to have the conversations we thought we'd get around to having one day.

But none of us knows what the future holds. Taking the time to think about your funeral and make your wishes known can be one of the greatest gifts you leave for the people you love.

We plan for so many of life's big moments

Throughout our lives, we put thought into the major milestones. We plan weddings. We organise birthday celebrations. We think about Christmas, holidays, anniversaries, christenings, naming ceremonies, and all the other occasions that bring people together. We plan menus, choose music, write guest lists, send invitations, and sometimes spend months—or even years—preparing for a single event.

A funeral is often one of the most significant events in a person's life. It brings together family, friends, colleagues, and communities to honour someone, share memories, and say goodbye. Yet, unlike almost every other significant life event, a funeral often has to be planned within just a few days, at a time when the people making the arrangements are experiencing shock, grief, and enormous emotional pressure.

They may also be trying to make decisions without knowing what the person who has died would have wanted. What music would they have chosen? Would they have wanted a religious service or something more personal? Who would they have wanted to speak? Would they have wanted their funeral to be traditional, informal, humorous, quiet, or a little bit of everything?

Sometimes families know the answers to these questions. Sometimes they have had conversations over the years and have a good idea of what their loved one would have wanted.

But very often, they don't. And that can make an already incredibly difficult time even harder.

Planning your funeral isn't morbid

The idea of planning your own funeral can feel uncomfortable. Some people don't want to think about death at all. Others worry that talking about it will somehow make it more real.

And I understand that.

None of us wants to spend our days thinking about our own death. Planning your funeral isn't about that. It's not about being morbid, pessimistic, or expecting the worst. It's simply about acknowledging that death is a part of life and thinking about what matters to you.

Planning your funeral can be an act of care. It gives you the opportunity to make your wishes known while you are here, while you have the time to think about them, and while you can change your mind as often as you like.

It also means that your family won't be left trying to make important decisions on your behalf without any guidance.

It allows your funeral to reflect you

There is no single way to have a funeral. A ceremony can be traditional or completely personal. It can be religious, spiritual, secular, or a combination of different elements. It can be formal or relaxed, quiet or full of stories and laughter.

Your funeral should be a reflection of you. Perhaps there is music that has always been important to you. Maybe there is a particular poem, reading, or piece of literature that means something. Perhaps you have a favourite place where you would like people to gather, or a special ritual that you would like included.

You might want certain people to speak, or there may be someone whose words you would particularly like to hear. You may have strong feelings about what you would like people to wear. You might want photographs, personal memories, a slideshow, or something completely different.

You may even have a very clear idea of what you don't want. All of these things are worth considering.

The beauty of planning your own funeral is that you get to think about what would feel meaningful to you. You don't have to follow a traditional format simply because that's what has always been done. And even the most traditional of formats, still leave plenty of scope for something that is truly unique to you. 

And if you don't have strong opinions about the details, that's absolutely fine too. You don't have to plan every moment of your funeral. Even a few simple wishes can provide valuable guidance to your family.

It can make things easier for the people you love

One of the greatest gifts of planning your own funeral is that it can ease some of the pressure on your family.

When someone dies, there are often many decisions to be made in a very short space of time. The people closest to them may be trying to organise practical arrangements while also coming to terms with the reality of their loss. Having your wishes written down means they don't have to guess.

They won't have to wonder whether you would have preferred a particular type of ceremony, which music you would have chosen, or whether there were special wishes you had never had the opportunity to share. Instead, they can take comfort from knowing that they are following your wishes.

Of course, your family may still want to make some decisions themselves. Your plans are a guide, not a set of instructions that can never be changed. But having that starting point can make a significant difference.

It can also help to avoid potential disagreements between family members. When everyone has a different idea about what someone would have wanted, conversations can become difficult, particularly when emotions are already running high. Having your wishes clearly expressed can help remove some of that uncertainty.

Sometimes the hardest part is starting the conversation

Talking about death isn't always easy. Sometimes we want to spare the people closest to us the upset of having to think about our death. Sometimes they want to spare us the same thing. So we avoid the conversation.

We say, "We'll talk about it another time."

And then life gets busy.

There is no perfect way to start a conversation about your funeral. You don't need to sit everyone down dramatically and announce that you have something very serious to discuss. You could simply mention that you've been thinking about your wishes and would like your family to know what matters to you. You could talk about a funeral you've attended and what you liked—or didn't like—about it. You might even begin with a little humour. Sometimes a light-hearted comment can make an otherwise difficult conversation feel more manageable. The important thing is simply to start. And if talking about it directly with your family doesn't feel possible, there are other ways to ensure your wishes are recorded and available when they are needed.

What should you include in your funeral wishes?

There is no right or wrong way to plan your funeral. Some people want to make detailed plans. Others prefer to leave their family more freedom to make decisions at the time. You might want to consider:

• Where you would like your ceremony to take place.

• Whether you would like a religious, spiritual, secular, or non-religious ceremony.

• The kind of atmosphere you would like.

• Music that is meaningful to you.

• Readings, poems, or other words you would like included.

• Who you would like to speak or participate.

• Personal stories or memories you would like shared.

• Whether there are particular rituals or traditions you would like included.

• Any specific wishes around flowers, donations, or dress.

• Anything you particularly do not want.

You might also want to think about the practical arrangements surrounding your funeral and how you would like those wishes to be recorded. Your plans don't have to be perfect, and they don't have to cover every possible detail. They simply need to reflect what matters to you.

Your wishes can change

One of the most important things to remember is that making a funeral plan is not a once-and-for-all decision. Your wishes may change as your life changes. The music you love today might not be the music you want played in ten years' time. Your circumstances may change. Your relationships may change. You may simply have a different idea of what feels right.

That's completely fine.

A funeral wishes document can be amended at any time. The purpose of planning is not to create something that can never be changed. It is to make your wishes known as they are today, so that your loved ones have some guidance if they need it. You can revisit your plans every few years, or whenever something changes.

How can you record your wishes?

The process can be very simple. I work with people to create a personalised funeral wishes document that reflects their values, preferences, and the kind of ceremony they would like. Together, we can consider the details that matter to you—from the overall tone of the ceremony to music, readings, personal tributes, meaningful rituals, and any special requests you would like to record. Once completed, your document can be kept safely with your important papers, shared with your chosen funeral director, or held securely by me as your celebrant.

If you feel comfortable doing so, I would always encourage you to let the people closest to you know that you have made plans and where those plans can be found. The most important thing is that the people who may need to find your wishes know where to look.

It is never too early to think about it

There is no perfect age to plan your funeral. You don't have to be elderly. You don't have to be unwell. You don't have to have received a diagnosis or reached a particular stage of life. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. That doesn't mean we should live in fear of it. In fact, having your wishes recorded can provide the opposite: peace of mind. You can get on with living, knowing that you have made your wishes known and that the people you love will have some guidance when they need it.

Planning your own funeral is not about focusing on death. It is about thinking about the people you will leave behind. It is about giving them the gift of knowing what mattered to you. It is about taking away some of the uncertainty at a time when they may already be facing the most difficult days of their lives. And perhaps most importantly, it is about making sure that the ceremony created to celebrate your life is one that feels true to the person you were.

As we all know, tomorrow is never guaranteed.

But today is here.

And if planning your own funeral is something you have been thinking about, perhaps today is a good day to start the conversation.